One Year Later

Today is an important anniversary for me. No, Alan won’t be buying me flowers, Hallmark doesn’t make a card for this, but it’s important nonetheless. Why? Because one year ago today, we learned that we were not having one baby, but two! Truth be told, that wasn’t a good day for me. But I still want to share my memories from the day. I just hope that Benjamin and Alexander never read this. But if they do, Ben and Alex, please know how much Mommy loves you, and that I am thankful to God every day for bringing you into our lives.

I guess the story really starts a little bit earlier than October 11. We decided to start trying for another baby not long after Connor turned 1. We knew we wanted our kids close together in age and thought another summer baby would work out well. But because Connor was still nursing and Alan and I didn’t even see each other during the week (we were on opposite work schedules), we didn’t really expect to get our timing right for a while. Wrong. Just like with Connor, we managed to get pregnant right away! With all the different variables, we couldn’t pinpoint when exactly we had conceived, so my doctor ordered a dating ultrasound. That happened on October 11.

The night before my appointment, I was a wreck. I guess after bed rest and all the other issues I had when I was pregnant with Connor, I was already feeling super anxious about this pregnancy. I just couldn’t relax, I felt on edge. I remember Alan trying to get me to calm down that night, asking me, “Aren’t you excited about tomorrow? We are going to get to see the baby!” I responded with, “no, what if something is wrong with the baby? Or, what if it’s twins?” Yup, I actually said that. Maybe on some level I already knew.

That morning I dropped Connor off at daycare and met Alan at my doctor’s office. We formed a wonderful relationship with our ultrasound technician during Connor’s pregnancy, so I immediately started to relax as we chatted with her. I told her how I had been much more sick this time around, as she was getting everything set up. Then we started. And it didn’t take long for the bomb to be dropped. I remember her saying, “well this might explain why you’ve been so much sicker”…. and immediately all I could think was, no no no no no! It’s not possible! But it was. She went on to say, “here’s one baby, and here’s another!” And the proof was right there on the screen.

I burst into tears. Not tears of joy, it was tears of panic, ugly crying. It was awful. Meanwhile I was slightly aware of Alan, standing at my feet, laughing hysterically. I’m not sure if that was glee or shell shock, but he seemed pretty excited! I was not. Immediately all these panicked thoughts ran through my head… how is this possible.. how can we manage… how can we afford two babies…. and on and on. The rest of the appointment was a bit of a blur. I remember her telling us that they were sharing the chorion (the outer sac), which meant they were identical and would only have one placenta. But they had separate amniotic sacs, which was a good thing. I remember walking out of the room, tears still wet on my cheeks, and seeing my doctor across the room. I mouthed to him, “it’s two babies” and held up two fingers, and he immediately rushed over to give me a big hug and give Alan a handshake. We talked briefly about the extra risks involved and things I could be doing now to help keep myself and the babies healthy, and then we were on our way, to attempt to digest this monumentous information.

I called off from work, went home and threw myself a pity party. I was supposed to go home and rest, but the sleep would not come for hours. I couldn’t get the wheels in my head to stop turning. I was freaked out and honestly dissapointed. I was never a person that had hoped for twins. I wanted all of my children to happen one at a time, so that they would never have to share during those crucial and critical early first months. I didn’t think it would be fair to them. And there were other fears. How would I ever manage to care for two babies at once? How would I be able to breastfeed, something I wanted so much to do again, after all the challenges Connor and I had gone through when he was first born. How could we possibly afford three kids??? I spent the rest of that day focusing on every negative aspect I could come up with, doing little more than completely stressing myself out…

Yes it took some time, but I DID come around. I have to thank my incredible husband for helping me to realize that we could handle this and that everything was going to be okay. And with time, I realized that God knew what he was doing when he blessed us with twins, and I was oh so thankful. I fell in love with these two babies, long before they were even born, and I grew to be so excited to bring them into the world. And I’ve been madly in love with them ever since!

I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, that God has a plan for us that we might not understand but that really is what we need, and that He never gives us a greater burden than we can handle. I was meant to be a mother to these three absolutely incredible little boys, three little miracles who enrich our lives in ways I never could have imagined. And I will always be grateful for them.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. thefuturemrsbrandman
    Oct 11, 2012 @ 09:55:45

    Um, this made me bawl my eyes out at work!!!!
    Beautiful post, from a mommy with a beautiful soul.


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