I’m not ready…

Tonight was parent orientation for Connor’s preschool, which starts a week from today. It wasn’t anything big. They just gave us a rundown of the activities, took questions, showed off the classrooms, let us make a little first-day gift for our kids… no big deal, right?

So why did I shed a few tears as I drove back home? Because, while it may only be three hours a day for three days a week, this is a huge step! My little baby boy is going off to school all by himself. He is growing up so fast, and I am excited to watch him grow but darn it this is a bittersweet new journey.

I have been so unbelievably blessed to be home with my children these past two years. I still remember the day I had to take a tiny 10-week-old Connor and drop him off at daycare. I remember handing him over to his teacher and practically running out the door before anyone could see me cry. Every day that I went to work, I left a piece of my heart behind, and it was so hard. And it never really got any easier. Not until the day I made the decision to not go back to work after Ben and Alex were born. At that moment, the guilt finally slipped away because I knew I wouldn’t have to miss out on any of my babies, anymore.

So okay, I guess I still suffer from some separation anxiety. It’s not that I worry he won’t be in a great place, he will. It’s not that I worry that he can’t function without me, he can. It’s just so hard to have that piece of my heart somewhere else, not beside me.

I tell everyone that the reason we put Connor into preschool is to help ease him into the transition of being in a structured classroom setting, away from me and his brothers, to help prepare him for Kindergarten next year, and beyond. And that is true. But maybe I did this a little for me too, to prepare me for the transition. Because I know that for all the anxiety I am feeling right now, it will be exponentially worse this time next year.

Deep breaths, it is going to be okay. This is a part of life. They grow up. They do new things. Embrace and celebrate the change, do not fear it…. yup, going to have to repeat all of this to myself quite a bit for the next few weeks.


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